Luke: Step Three
Luke walked away from church decades ago and identifies as an atheist, though some of his friends are still engaged in spirituality and attend progressive churches. Luke’s life includes wonder for nature, meaningful relationships, awe-inspiring music, and a deep love for his mother and piano teacher.
Should Luke want to deepen his sense of spirituality, here are three ways that Luke can move forward in faith that honors his past and incorporates all he has learned.
Luke walked away from church decades ago and identifies as an atheist, though some of his friends are still engaged in spirituality and attend progressive churches. Luke’s life includes wonder for nature, meaningful relationships, awe-inspiring music, and a deep love for his mother and piano teacher.
Should Luke want to deepen his sense of spirituality, here are three ways that Luke can move faith forward that honors his past and incorporates all he has learned.
Lean into transcendence and mystery as the antidote to immature spirituality.
In Luke’s twenties, he would spend hours in the upstairs chapel, praying he wouldn’t be gay. But most of all, underneath those prayers, he was praying that the contradictions would dissolve and he could be someone who understood and believed. He almost envied the people around him who seemed comfortable with the contradictions, though also living in suspicion of anyone who didn’t want to scream whenever a judgemental person spoke about the grace of God as for everyone.
The decades Luke spent in cognitive dissonance have led to his great distaste and low patience for hypocrisy in the religious world. Understandably, he developed a low threshold for Christian superiority and exclusivity after he spent years praying to a God in which he didn’t believe.
As Luke moves forward, I wonder what it would look like to explore spirituality that feels like transcendence (realities beyond what we can see with our eyes) and intellectual humility (we don’t have all the answers). Doubts from his childhood were born from Luke’s instincts that distrusted the religious authority figures from childhood. While mystery includes doubts, spirituality as mystery is more about allowing all the space for questions that need no answers.
What if Luke started to see faith as moments of transcendence in music (how piano keys can unite a whole crowd into one song) or friendship (how good questions shared among friends can help us feel less alone in the world)? One need not credit the moments to “God” for them to be holy nonetheless, as they are experiences that break apart life’s monotony with a unique, otherworldly kind of beauty.
Luke does not need to understand everything, as he once yearned to do as a child, since that instinct is likely a survival one attached to survival and social belonging. Adulthood requires enduring through moments when not everything adds up. Spirituality lives at the threshold where our curiosity meets its limits and asks questions of the great mysteries. How could such beauty come from such a painful experience? How come the right song seems to change the very molecular makeup of our bodies? None of it makes sense, yet making sense becomes no longer the goal.
Compassion for all those still in the system.
While Luke is no longer in church, he still regularly interacts with people of faith, such as neighbors or family members, and he does not begrudge their faith. He knows life is complicated, and people need everything they can to make it through. Celebrating that we each get to make different choices is liberating after all those years spent living within the strict bounds of Baptist life.
Luke’s story feels unique when he talks of how his Christian college offered him refuge and relief during his early adulthood when he was not ready to emerge as a gay man, knowing it would cost him his life, livelihood, and community. His Bible college, where he could have a girlfriend without engaging in intimacy, gave him space to breathe momentarily and gain some skills before he would have to venture out into the great unknown.
What would it look like for Luke to support closeted gay men who are biding their time and gaining strength before they make the giant leap away from their faith tradition that requires that they hide parts of themselves? Where are underground systems of support for those within the system provided by those who have survived the leaving and can speak about how good life can be on the other side? Luke is uniquely equipped to offer compassion for those still closeted, knowing that there are seasons where going with the flow is required so that you can build up the strength to swim against the tide. He also knows that closeted young men may not even be able to imagine a life other than what they see on TV or in movies. Luke and his friends could find ways to help build connections that offer hope by living as examples of what is possible when the time comes to move into freedom.
Develop a language of “faith” to share with his mother as an act of love.
When Luke came out to his mother, he was amazed at how well she handled it. He knew it was hard for her, especially as she couldn’t figure out how “hate the sin, love the sinner” could even come close to her deep love and affection for her son. He didn’t want her to struggle by knowing that he no longer believed in the Christian God that occupied the center of her life, so he has never let her know that he’s quit church and given up believing in God. He knew that the word “atheist” would be more than she could handle. Being gay was one thing, but being outside of faith was a whole other thing entirely.
Knowing that keeping his non-religious life a secret from his mother requires emotional energy, I wonder what it would look like to develop his way of describing his spiritual life in a way that could be common ground with his mother. Is there a kind of “faith” that could be common ground with his mother, even if it looks different than his mother’s faith? Who “God” is for his mother may never be who “God” is for Luke. Yet, at its best, faith is an amalgamation of a lifetime of experiences, feelings, and questions that point us toward the meaning of life, the beauty of the world, and the power of deep relationships. She may have one idea of the future that is different from his own, but they likely can bond over the same hope: of a day when there are no tears, no hatred, only love.
Connecting points to put each story in the context of our current day (resources), scripture (lectionary), wise thinkers (worth reading), and your personal story (reflection questions)
Luke: Step Two
Eventually, Luke developed passion and purpose in his life through music, but he first had to exist in the world in which he was raised. Luke had to accept the rules of the adults around him, as is every child’s task. Living as a closeted gay man required making his intellectual curiosity private and learning to abide by the (male) deacons’ rules.
Here are some of the beliefs that Luke, as a child, had to believe in order to survive within the system. These beliefs he later shed as an adult when his eyes opened to a world where he could have community, offer his gifts to the world, and live honestly and authentically.
Throughout Luke’s years in church, certain beliefs allowed him to grow and move forward despite the system built to control him. Here are three foundational beliefs that served as life rafts for Luke as he grew courageous enough to swim against the tide when the time came.
Church music saves lives.
There was one saving grace at that church: the music. Luke loved the music and was elated at 12 to begin playing the piano and organ for worship. Listening to Luke speak about his life, I couldn’t help but think of Shiprah and Puah, two Hebrew midwives from the first chapter of Exodus, who defied the pharaoh's order to kill all the boys birthed by the Hebrew women to control the population and cement his power. Instead of following orders, Shiprah and Puah helped the mothers labor in secret and then told the pharaoh that the women had given birth before they could get there to assist. Shiprah and Puah worked in the system, saving lives and allowing mothers and young boys to live and grow outside of the eyes of the oppressive system.
Luke’s piano teacher was like Shiprah and Puah, helping Luke discover joy and purpose until he reached the point when he could be public about his true self. From Luke’s early teen years, music offered safety and escape from the toxic conflict and masculinity that sought power over everyone. His joy while playing the piano was unmatched, creating a holy space that made all the other challenges bearable and worth enduring.
Church music programs offer a space for people who are closeted (whether because they hide sexuality, doubt, or whatever quality the church has deemed inappropriate or wrong) to find their voice, build deep bonds of friendship, and grow spiritually.
Find the people who love your questions.
As a child, Luke was a natural observer, observing the wide gap between adults’ words and actions. The intellectually lazy preacher and deacons who ran the church acted like they had all the answers while regularly seeming clueless about what to do. They often shut down questions, showing their cards that while they were faithful, they were also ignorant of how to approach complexity in faith.
Yet the women in his life knew to create space, even in an oppressive system, for children to feel free and loved. They knew that learning was an asset and skill for their future rather than a threat, as the men suggested. Once he left the Christian world, Luke surrounded himself with people who value open-ended questions over drinks with nothing to do but wonder together.
Intuition is your most significant and most disruptive asset.
Luke may have swam with the tide as a young person, but his inner voice is prominent as he retells his growing up in churches. He knew early on that things were not right, his mind unable to reconcile the glaring contradictions surrounding him. “I’m not supposed to be here,” he used to sense. “This isn’t my place.”
Luke moved through the years feeling unsettled and uncertain, and yet he looks back at his decades in the church and does not feel bitterness or live with regrets. He knew there was no choice to not exist in that system until the time came to walk into something different. His inner voice helped him process his body's discomfort and prepare him for the spiritual fortitude to value his freedom enough to leave. By the time he changed his religious affiliation, his intuition had prepared him to be confident in his decision despite the disruption it would cause in his friend group and career.
Connecting points to put each story in the context of our current day (resources), scripture (lectionary), wise thinkers (worth reading), and your personal story (reflection questions)
Luke: Step One
Eventually, Luke developed passion and purpose in his life through music, but he first had to exist in the world in which he was raised. Luke had to accept the rules of the adults around him, as is every child’s task. Living as a closeted gay man required making his intellectual curiosity private and learning to abide by the (male) deacons’ rules.
Here are some of the beliefs that Luke, as a child, had to believe in order to survive within the system. These beliefs he later shed as an adult when his eyes opened to a world where he could have community, offer his gifts to the world, and live honestly and authentically.
Eventually, Luke developed passion and purpose in his life through music, but he first had to exist in the world in which he was raised. Luke had to accept the rules of the adults around him, as is every child’s task. Living as a closeted gay man required making his intellectual curiosity private and learning to abide by the (male) deacons’ rules.
Here are some of the beliefs that Luke, as a child, had to believe in order to survive within the system. These beliefs he later shed as an adult when his eyes opened to a world where he could have community, offer his gifts to the world, and live honestly and authentically.
To have the life you want, you’ve got to swim with the tide.
At 18, leaving the small farming community felt like a life-saving move. With a passion for church music and no interest in taking over the family farm, Bible college and seminary seemed the next logical step.
Luke had known for a while that he was attracted to other boys. Still, he never entertained any notion during those years about coming out to anyone or pursuing a same-sex romantic relationship, as he couldn’t envision a world in which that was possible. Luke found that dating girls was the most apparent choice during those young adult years. It was a survival strategy that allowed him to fit in and go with the flow. Since purity rules meant you couldn’t hold hands or kiss or anything else, Luke was able to have a close girlfriend without the pressure of intimacy.
Living closeted didn’t drive him crazy because he was so grateful for the chance to participate in church music. “It was great 90% of the time,” he told me. Luke even looks back with relief as he knows that he missed the height of the AIDS epidemic as he lived a quiet life in the Baptist world.
There are limits to what a young person can dream when they’ve never seen it as an option. Swimming with the tide, which meant denying whole sections of himself and living in secrecy, felt like the only way to stay connected with friends through church music.
Men are in charge, and that’s just the way it is.
Luke couldn’t ever understand how the men who were in charge (something they wanted you to know) didn’t have the skills to understand what they were doing; nevertheless, to do it well. They were not very smart or friendly to stand as pastoral authorities and ministerial leaders. Such aggressive displays of power in the name of Jesus led to countless church splits throughout his teenage years. The steady presence of the church seemed reflected most in the incompetence of the men who led it.
His piano teacher was so kind, allowing him to share his ideas and thoughts. She was brilliant, willing to answer all his questions when they chatted after the piano lesson. His piano teacher also taught the high school Bible study until the men stepped in to stop her. She had launched a new series at the request of the youth to learn about other religions, but the men were terrified of how such an opening of minds might lead to sinning. The men took over the class and re-centered the lesson on Jesus. Luke lamented the injustice of shutting down this brilliant woman, causing him to cherish his piano lessons even more.
But there was only so much that Luke could do. His father no longer attended church, and his mother and piano teacher told him he had to accept how the world worked. Swimming with the tide was the only way to stay afloat, which meant obeying the men and their rules.
There is no world outside the one you’re in.
Luke quit seminary when he realized he could work at the church without a degree, though his time on ministerial staff didn’t last. The conflict and turnover in the local church proved to be more exhausting and soul-draining than joyful. Besides, he was beginning to realize that he couldn’t hide his sexuality forever. Growing up, Luke had never seen, nor could he imagine, a community of openly gay people who participated in society and lived in harmony with neighbors.
When a friend invited Luke to serve as the piano accompanist for the tiny community theater, Luke’s world expanded at lightning speed. Musical theater became where his love for music could land, though he had to endure some awkward initial years as his new peers exposed how naive he was about the world. Attending a gay bar with some friends from the theater, Luke looked down the bar to see three guys from seminary sitting together, sharing a drink. The three men locked eyes with Luke, and all parties immediately looked away. Luke felt mortified and vowed not to say a thing.
Luke reflected on that moment years later as he wondered about the other life he would have lived if he had chosen to stay in church ministry as a closeted man. Back then, he assumed there was only one world in which you could live - the world defined by the church. The church controlled your friend group, career, reputation, and value.
Connecting points to put each story in the context of our current day (resources), scripture (lectionary), wise thinkers (worth reading), and your personal story (reflection questions)
Luke: Background
Along the way, Luke struggled with the deep contradictions he saw in Christians: people obsessed with personal power instead of love, social order rather than acceptance, and a deep fear of the outside world, not to mention the contradictions he felt as a closeted gay man serving in a Southern Baptist church.
Luke was always an excellent student, observing the world around him with curiosity from an early age. Attending his family’s Midwest Baptist church, Luke loved to ask questions in Bible Study, though he rarely remembers it going well. Some female teachers took him seriously, offering answers or at least a companion in wondering. Though, there were some exceptions.
One of his earliest church memories is when a visiting teacher explained all about missionaries in foreign countries who go to villages where no one had ever heard the gospel to tell them the good news of Jesus’ salvation. He asked, “What about other people who don’t have church? Do they go to hell?” The teacher answered emphatically, “Yes,” and the class moved on.
Later that night, he told his mom all about it through tears. “I don’t know who this God is, but I don’t like him.” He remembers his mom’s embrace as she assured him, “God has a plan for everyone. You don’t need to worry about them.” The interaction stuck in his memory as a mix of solace and confusion. If they didn’t have to believe everything the preacher said, then why did they have to go in the first place?
When Luke, still a child, moved to a farming community for the family to take over the care of his grandparents’ land, their new church was small and regularly contentious. “I just don’t get it,” he told his mom. “Why are people so mean?” Luke’s dad stopped going, yet his siblings still had to go with his mom whenever the doors were open.
Luke’s life forever changed in that tiny church when he met his future piano teacher, the wife of a retired minister, whose loving attention taught Luke both how to make music and how to have good, meaningful conversations. While lessons were supposed to be only a half hour, Luke would sit at the piano bench with her, pouring out all his thoughts and questions for over an hour.
After graduating high school, Luke was exhausted of ministers and deacons but deeply loved church music. He went on to Bible college and seminary to pursue work as a music minister. Along the way, he struggled with the deep contradictions he saw in Christians: people obsessed with personal power instead of love, social order rather than acceptance, and a deep fear of the outside world, not to mention the contradictions he felt as a closeted gay man serving in a Southern Baptist church.
One summer, when Luke toured the country with a singing group from his Bible college, Luke and his friends stopped at a gas station to fill up the college’s van before heading to the next Christian camp to perform. While pumping gas, a man from the car next to him saw that Luke was with the church group and boldly asked him, “Do you really believe that bullshit?” Luke was stunned because it was as if this man had seen through his charade, exposing his doubt and leaving him embarrased. Was it that obvious to an outsider that they were all fools for propping up an institution that (he agreed) was filled with mean and close-minded people?
He wanted to scream, “No! I don’t!” But such honesty would have meant that he would have to look in the mirror and address the enormous gap between his career plans and the doubts he tried to keep deep within him.
Fast forward decades, Luke looks back and sees his years in music ministry as prioritizing his passion (church music) and trying to stuff down the growing disbelief in the whole system. He left Christianity in his early 30s and hasn’t looked back since, though he still can’t tell his mom that he no longer attends church because he doesn’t want to hurt her. She was tender and supportive when he came out to her as gay, but he knew that coming out as an atheist would break her heart.
This month’s story explores how one man’s piano teacher paved the way for a life of music that eventually spilled out of the church and into the theater world, where he could live in authenticity and freedom. What does moving forward in faith look like when “faith” is the prison from which you escaped?
Connecting points to put each story in the context of our current day (resources), scripture (lectionary), wise thinkers (worth reading), and your personal story (reflection questions).