Luke: Step One
Eventually, Luke developed passion and purpose in his life through music, but he first had to exist in the world in which he was raised. Luke had to accept the rules of the adults around him, as is every child’s task. Living as a closeted gay man required making his intellectual curiosity private and learning to abide by the (male) deacons’ rules.
Here are some of the beliefs that Luke, as a child, had to believe in order to survive within the system. These beliefs he later shed as an adult when his eyes opened to a world where he could have community, offer his gifts to the world, and live honestly and authentically.
To have the life you want, you’ve got to swim with the tide.
At 18, leaving the small farming community felt like a life-saving move. With a passion for church music and no interest in taking over the family farm, Bible college and seminary seemed the next logical step.
Luke had known for a while that he was attracted to other boys. Still, he never entertained any notion during those years about coming out to anyone or pursuing a same-sex romantic relationship, as he couldn’t envision a world in which that was possible. Luke found that dating girls was the most apparent choice during those young adult years. It was a survival strategy that allowed him to fit in and go with the flow. Since purity rules meant you couldn’t hold hands or kiss or anything else, Luke was able to have a close girlfriend without the pressure of intimacy.
Living closeted didn’t drive him crazy because he was so grateful for the chance to participate in church music. “It was great 90% of the time,” he told me. Luke even looks back with relief as he knows that he missed the height of the AIDS epidemic as he lived a quiet life in the Baptist world.
There are limits to what a young person can dream when they’ve never seen it as an option. Swimming with the tide, which meant denying whole sections of himself and living in secrecy, felt like the only way to stay connected with friends through church music.
Men are in charge, and that’s just the way it is.
Luke couldn’t ever understand how the men who were in charge (something they wanted you to know) didn’t have the skills to understand what they were doing; nevertheless, to do it well. They were not very smart or friendly to stand as pastoral authorities and ministerial leaders. Such aggressive displays of power in the name of Jesus led to countless church splits throughout his teenage years. The steady presence of the church seemed reflected most in the incompetence of the men who led it.
His piano teacher was so kind, allowing him to share his ideas and thoughts. She was brilliant, willing to answer all his questions when they chatted after the piano lesson. His piano teacher also taught the high school Bible study until the men stepped in to stop her. She had launched a new series at the request of the youth to learn about other religions, but the men were terrified of how such an opening of minds might lead to sinning. The men took over the class and re-centered the lesson on Jesus. Luke lamented the injustice of shutting down this brilliant woman, causing him to cherish his piano lessons even more.
But there was only so much that Luke could do. His father no longer attended church, and his mother and piano teacher told him he had to accept how the world worked. Swimming with the tide was the only way to stay afloat, which meant obeying the men and their rules.
There is no world outside the one you’re in.
Luke quit seminary when he realized he could work at the church without a degree, though his time on ministerial staff didn’t last. The conflict and turnover in the local church proved to be more exhausting and soul-draining than joyful. Besides, he was beginning to realize that he couldn’t hide his sexuality forever. Growing up, Luke had never seen, nor could he imagine, a community of openly gay people who participated in society and lived in harmony with neighbors.
When a friend invited Luke to serve as the piano accompanist for the tiny community theater, Luke’s world expanded at lightning speed. Musical theater became where his love for music could land, though he had to endure some awkward initial years as his new peers exposed how naive he was about the world. Attending a gay bar with some friends from the theater, Luke looked down the bar to see three guys from seminary sitting together, sharing a drink. The three men locked eyes with Luke, and all parties immediately looked away. Luke felt mortified and vowed not to say a thing.
Luke reflected on that moment years later as he wondered about the other life he would have lived if he had chosen to stay in church ministry as a closeted man. Back then, he assumed there was only one world in which you could live - the world defined by the church. The church controlled your friend group, career, reputation, and value.
Connecting points to put each story in the context of our current day (resources), scripture (lectionary), wise thinkers (worth reading), and your personal story (reflection questions)
