Claire: Background

Fresh out of graduate school, Claire has her seminary diploma framed on her wall, but she’s feeling confused and even a bit foolish now that she doesn’t believe in God… at least the way she once did. Church has always been the center of Claire’s life. If the doors were open, she would be there with her family.

Her dad grew up Protestant, and her mom’s family was Catholic, which meant they had to get creative when they started their own family. Assuming some perfect Catholic-Protestant blend existed, they compiled a list of each denomination’s highlights and downfalls, weighing them until her mom suggested they visit the church down the street. The neighboring church ended up being a great fit for the family. That tradition placed a high value on education as the church’s primary tool of faith development, with catechism instruction seen as the way to keep one’s life aligned with the teachings of Christ. A naturally enthusiastic and eager learner, Claire thrived in the confirmation process of studying, asking questions, and memorizing scripture and church history. Claire even enjoyed the oral exam before church elders as a chance to share all she had absorbed on the learning journey.

At a high school youth group conference, Claire felt God call her to become a youth minister. She knew she’d have to venture outside of her denomination to pursue ministry, as her church didn’t believe women could be pastors, so Claire set her sights on a Christian college that affirmed women in ministry.

From the moment she stepped onto campus as a freshman, Claire was delighted to be surrounded by other Christians pursuing a holy life. Her spiritual life took a turn within the first few weeks when a dozen new friends shared in private their struggles with their sexuality. Feeling taken aback, Claire couldn’t help but recall all the answers she once offered before the elders about God’s intention for sexuality. In all her catechism training, Claire had learned that God had created sex to be between one man and one woman united in holy matrimony. All other forms of sexual life fell outside of God’s intent for creation, or so she had believed.

Claire reached out to a friend from home, lamenting how she didn’t know how to handle it. Her friend responded with news of his own. He, too, was gay. Here was a friend who she had felt so close to, growing up together in the same church. Why had he not trusted her and shared this news before? If he had confided in her, how would she even have handled it at the time?

Confusion flooded Claire. Yet, here she was on this beautiful campus with the opportunity to grow as a student of Christ, so she leaned into what she knew best from growing up: faith as a learning journey. Surrounded by other young Christians called to ministry, Claire grew adamant that there had to be a way to make this work. She poured her time into campus ministries, leading Q&A sessions with faculty around sexuality to help create some way for gay students to remain faithful to Christ without living in shame or secrecy.

By the time Claire transitioned into seminary, fatigue had set in. All the passion Claire once felt for the church had faded, and her vocational dreams narrowed even more. Yes, she would work for churches, but only if they were outwardly affirming of all people, which she found to be fewer than she had hoped. As school assignments grew, waves of bitterness and cynicism built toward institutional religion.

When COVID hit, Claire grew even more tired as she watched churches disparage public health officials while ignoring George Floyd’s murder. Seminary classes now moved online, leading her to be alone as her learning journey focused on all the ways that scriptural infallibility, white privilege, misogyny, homophobia, and countless other systemic evils create unsafe conditions for vast swaths of people in the church.

Now that she's done with seminary, Claire’s no longer unsure of what she believes. For years, a deep love for the church has guided her actions, formed her identity, and created a strong sense of community. She holds a bachelor’s and graduate degree in theology but distrusts the church more than ever. Church, ironically, is now the last place she wants to be. Even so, her face lights up when she talks about how much she used to love going to church.

Claire felt Jesus was leading her forward all along. How do we make sense of faith development when it seems to lead to dead ends?

Connecting points to put each story in the context of our current day (resources), scripture (lectionary), wise thinkers (worth reading), and your personal story (reflection questions).