The Work

I’m drawn to those who want to nurture a spiritual life different from what they received growing up, but they don’t know how to get started because they feel stuck or unsure of how to move forward. The last thing they want is to repeat the same patterns or fall into past hurts or grudges. They know what they don’t believe anymore but struggle to claim what they do believe. Whether they haven’t stepped foot into a sanctuary for years or they attend church regularly, they feel unsure how to move talking about what they don’t believe anymore.

My experience as a pastor, scholar, and person has led me to see how much people assume beliefs are something you can just get rid of, like books you take off the shelf when you no longer need them. Past beliefs persist within us long after we’ve stopped “believing” them because they are so intertwined with our personal histories.

To help those folks heal, I offer a three-step process of self-reflection that leads toward spiritual creativity.

• Place former beliefs in the context of what was happening when you received them.

• Begin putting words to beliefs that have stood the test of time.

• Learn to accept what has been, integrate core beliefs, and engage in spiritual practices tailored to your life.

My ultimate dream is for people to live at peace with the past, confident in their ability to manage whatever life brings and open to revived spirituality.

Pastors and therapists can play a pivotal role in our spiritual lives, but discerning how to heal unhealthy beliefs is a personal process that no one can do for you. Rather than waiting for someone to read your mind about what you need in your spiritual life, this process offers you a path to take ownership of pursuing what you uniquely need to move forward.

To best illuminate this healing process, I share stories inspired by people who have shared their lives with me through interviews. Over the past few years, I’ve had the privilege of listening to people share their religious backgrounds, including moments of confusion, pain, and joy. Each case study represents several people who have shared their religious background with me. I’ve changed identifying details to protect the identity of those who have vulnerably and courageously shared their experiences and feelings with me.

People’s stories have included moments of vocational loss, drug abuse, physical disability, sexual abuse, unstable home life, and sexuality. Most pervasive in all the stories has been a sense of religious homelessness. When walking away from one’s childhood faith, people can feel untethered and unsure where to turn. 

Just as listening to each person’s interview is helpful for me, I hope these case studies will initiate self-reflection so you can wonder how your religious background affects you. Seeing how another can grow will offer you tools to employ when feeling stuck, resentful, or complacent in your spirituality. Ultimately, the case studies will encourage growth in your faith life so you can feel an increased sense of compassion, curiosity, and courage.

The Process

Step 1: Place former beliefs in the context of what was happening when you received them. 

Write out a list of beliefs you no longer believe.

Get started writing and include those you received from explicit instruction at home or church and implicit messages you picked up from the culture around you. Once you’ve compiled your list, identify a belief that feels most significant. It might be a belief that stings as you write it down, but be careful that it doesn’t hurt to the point that you feel paralyzed. The goal will be to think more about them, so work with whatever belief jumps out to you now. Take some time to reflect.

• What was the pivotal moment you decided to let go of that belief? Was it a specific event or interaction? Or was it a tipping point of cumulative experiences?

• Was it a belief that you actually believed? Or was it a belief that was in the air you breathed, even if you didn’t personally believe it?

• Where do you encounter that belief now (whether through social media, books, news, relationships, or specific locations)?

• How has that belief impacted your life (think about your relationships, choices, vocation)?

• What emotions or stories emerge when you think about that belief?

• At what times do you still operate with that belief without meaning to?

• Who shared this belief with you? What was your relationship with that person?

• What is your relationship with the person who once passed this belief on to you?

• How do you feel toward people who still hold that belief?

Now, complicate the belief you picked out. Think back to where you received that belief.

• Who were the authority figures that passed on those messages? Did they say this belief aloud, or was it implied in their actions? Where did they get that belief? How did they feel toward that belief?

• Think about what this belief assumes about God. Does this image of God mirror those authority figures? 

• When you evoke these memories, what age are you? Describe what life was like at that time. What was going on at home? Was life stable? Chaotic? How did that belief pair with what was going on at home?

• At the time, what did the belief do for you? Did it offer structure? Assurance? A path to belonging? A sense of security or control?

• Did you have to work hard (mentally, spiritually, relationally) to believe it? Did it come quickly?

• Did the belief insist that you change something about yourself (physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally)? If so, what change was it? What was your experience with that? Was that something you did in private or in the community? 

Step 2: Begin putting words to beliefs that have stood the test of time.

Draft some beliefs that have carried you through the years.

More than likely, the beliefs you no longer believe were passed on to you by your family and the local church. You received messages in childhood that you had to affirm because you depended on the people and institutions that raised you. You’re an adult now and can identify the beliefs that matter most to you.

It can be intimidating to put words to our beliefs, especially when we’ve seen how a belief can harm us or others. Think of this process not as a belief you’ll engrave in stone but as a first draft. Anne Lamott calls these SFDs: Shitty First Drafts. In Bird by Bird, Lamott writes, “Almost all good writing begins with terrible first efforts. You need to start somewhere. Start by getting something - anything - down on paper. What I’ve learned to do when I sit down to work on a shitty first draft is to quiet the voices in my head.”

Look back over your life and see what sticks out to you. Return to that list of beliefs you no longer hold to spur your imagination. Write out some SFDs and see what feels like solid ground: something that doesn’t depend on a specific life stage or situation. Let it be something that rings true, from the first breath to the last.

The only requirement is that it cannot be a negation. It cannot include what you no longer believe (“I believe God doesn’t…”).  Here are some words and prompts to guide your thinking.

• Love

• Resilience

• Mercy

• Grace

• Courage

• Curiosity

• Freedom

• Wholeness

• Peace

• Joy

• Hope

• Eternal

• Power

• Strength

• Forgiveness

• Reconciliation

• Purpose

• Meaning

• When everything seems lost, God is ______

• No matter what happens, I believe ________

• Through it all, I’ve found that _______

• The Spirit helps me by ________.

This part of the process can be daunting, so read over the case studies. They are a great example of complicated stories and the core beliefs that can help us move forward when we’re stuck.

Step 3: Learn to accept what has been, integrate core beliefs, and engage in spiritual practices tailored to your life.

Imagine how a core belief can move you forward.

Look back at the list of core beliefs you’ve drafted. Identify the one that draws you in and reflect on how that belief has carried you through the years.

• How was that belief true back when you were a child?

• Write out some experiences that validated or confirmed that belief.

• Who shares that belief with you?

• Where do you go to affirm that belief?

• How has suffering or challenge helped shape that belief?

• Where does that belief live in your body?

• Is there a story from scripture or a favorite story that illustrates that belief? If so, what is it?

• Imagine encircling your childhood self with the goodness of that belief. What images, emotions, or thoughts come to mind?

We are human beings, not bookshelves to empty when life changes. We cannot simply throw out beliefs we “no longer believe.” They go with us wherever we go, intertwined with our history of where we’ve lived, who we’ve known, what we’ve done, and, most importantly, what pain we’ve survived. There is no giant eraser that removes suffering from our past. But we can hope for a life where the unhealthy beliefs are declawed and can no longer wound us. We learn to live with unpleasant beliefs without fear, accepting that they may be part of our history but need not define us.

Pair the unhealthy belief you explored in the first step with the core belief you’ve identified in this third step. How are these two beliefs (one that you don’t believe and one that you do) related? How can that core belief help you accept the past as it has unfolded? How can that belief help you embrace a new spirituality?

The case studies offer examples of what this might look like, but you are the one most suited for identifying the practices that best fit you. As it is helpful, write some notes about who you are and how you best become the person God has created you to be. Reflect on the following traits and questions.

• What season of life are you in right now? How do you spend your time?  With whom are you around? Where are you feeling challenged and stressed?  Where are you feeling light-hearted and joyful?

• What parts of religious life evoke positive feelings of tenderness, connection, reverence, or awe? What parts of religious life evoke negative feelings of shame, judgment, or loneliness?

• Who in your life knows your religious history and your yearning to grow into something new? List some people who might be good conversation partners as you imagine spirituality this season.

• You may appreciate personality descriptions available through resources like the Enneagram, Myers-Briggs, Multiple Intelligence theory, etc. Should those resources be helpful, write out some aspects of yourself that these resources have helped name.

Having accumulated some self-knowledge, lean back into the core belief and think about how you might best allow that core belief to shape your acting, relating, and thinking.

• Imagine a future where that core belief defines your daily living. At what times of the day would this belief be most helpful to remember? Brainstorm some spiritual practices to help you integrate this belief during those times.

• Imagine a future where that core belief guides your decision-making and state of mind when you’re in a crisis moment. Brainstorm some spiritual practices that could keep the unhealthy beliefs declawed and unable to wound you when you’re feeling vulnerable and anxious. How could this core belief strengthen you during these moments? Draft a list of practices, relationships, and scripture readings that could sustain you during difficult times. Think of a place where you can keep that list for challenging seasons.

• Think about how that core belief exists within your religious life. How might you connect the religious practices most meaningful to you with this core belief? Do you need to pause or change aspects of your spiritual life to allow this core belief to grow?

With these reflections collected, identify one spiritual practice that offers a way to move forward. Set an intention to incorporate this spiritual practice over the next few months, and then set a reminder to assess your progress. How has this process helped you get closer to living at peace with the past, confident in your ability to manage whatever life brings, and open to revived spirituality? Are you ready to start the process all over again?