Brené Brown on Heartbreak
Too often, we assume heartbreak happens just when romantic love goes sour. But heartbreak is more than just the inspiration for pop songs. Heartbreak is a human experience when we open ourselves up to another and find ourselves hurt by those we love. I love how Brené Brown talks about heartbreak, expanding the notion to include experiences like Claire has had.
“Heartbreak is more than just a particularly hard form of disappointment or failure. It hurts in an entirely different way because heartbreak is always connected to love and belonging. Over time, the more I’ve thought about heartbreak and love, the more clearly I’ve realized how vulnerable we are when we love anyone. The brokenhearted are the bravest among us - they dared to love.
When I ran this idea by my dear friend and mentor Joe Reynolds - an Episcopal priest and one of the wisest people I know - he was quiet for a while, then said, ‘Yes. I do think heartbreak is about love. I just want to think about it some more.’ A couple of days late, he sent me a letter sharing his thoughts, and later he gave me permission to include it here.
‘Heartbreak is an altogether different thing. Disappointment doesn’t grow into heartbreak, nor does failure. Heartbreak comes from the loss of love or the perceived loss of love. My heart can be broken only by someone (or something, like my dog, though a part of me really believes my dog is a person) to whom I have given my heart. There may be expectations, both met and unmet, in a relationship that ends in heartbreak. There may be failures within the relationship - indeed, there certainly will be, for we are imperfect vessels to hold the love of another person - but the failures didn’t cause the heartbreak. Heartbreak is what happens when love is lost.
Heartbreak can come from being rejected by the one you love. The pain is more intense when you thought the other person loved you, but the expectation of returned love isn’t necessary for heartbreak. Unrequited love can be heartbreaking.
The death of a loved one is heartbreaking. I didn’t expect them to live forever, and death is nobody’s fault regardless of smoking, bad diets, no exercise, or whatever. But my heart is broken anyway. A related heartbreak is the death of something unique, maybe even essential, in someone I love. I didn’t want my children to stay children all their lives, but at times the loss of innocence was heartbreaking.
The loss of love doesn’t have to be permanent to be heartbreaking. Moving away from a loved one can break your heart. Change in another person I love may be a good thing. It may be significant personal growth, and I may be happy about it and proud of it. It can also change our relationship and break my heart…
To love with any level of intensity and honesty is to become vulnerable. I used to tell couples getting married that the only thing I could tell them with certainty was that they would hurt each other. To love is to know the loss of love. Heartbreak is unavoidable unless we choose not to love at all. A lot of people do just that.”
