Luke: Step Three

Luke walked away from church decades ago and identifies as an atheist, though some of his friends are still engaged in spirituality and attend progressive churches. Luke’s life includes wonder for nature, meaningful relationships, awe-inspiring music, and a deep love for his mother and piano teacher.

Should Luke want to deepen his sense of spirituality, here are three ways that Luke can move faith forward that honors his past and incorporates all he has learned.

Lean into transcendence and mystery as the antidote to immature spirituality.

In Luke’s twenties, he would spend hours in the upstairs chapel, praying he wouldn’t be gay. But most of all, underneath those prayers, he was praying that the contradictions would dissolve and he could be someone who understood and believed. He almost envied the people around him who seemed comfortable with the contradictions, though also living in suspicion of anyone who didn’t want to scream whenever a judgemental person spoke about the grace of God as for everyone.

The decades Luke spent in cognitive dissonance have led to his great distaste and low patience for hypocrisy in the religious world. Understandably, he developed a low threshold for Christian superiority and exclusivity after he spent years praying to a God in which he didn’t believe.

As Luke moves forward, I wonder what it would look like to explore spirituality that feels like transcendence (realities beyond what we can see with our eyes) and intellectual humility (we don’t have all the answers). Doubts from his childhood were born from Luke’s instincts that distrusted the religious authority figures from childhood. While mystery includes doubts, spirituality as mystery is more about allowing all the space for questions that need no answers.

What if Luke started to see faith as moments of transcendence in music (how piano keys can unite a whole crowd into one song) or friendship (how good questions shared among friends can help us feel less alone in the world)? One need not credit the moments to “God” for them to be holy nonetheless, as they are experiences that break apart life’s monotony with a unique, otherworldly kind of beauty. 

Luke does not need to understand everything, as he once yearned to do as a child, since that instinct is likely a survival one attached to survival and social belonging. Adulthood requires enduring through moments when not everything adds up. Spirituality lives at the threshold where our curiosity meets its limits and asks questions of the great mysteries. How could such beauty come from such a painful experience? How come the right song seems to change the very molecular makeup of our bodies? None of it makes sense, yet making sense becomes no longer the goal.

Compassion for all those still in the system.

While Luke is no longer in church, he still regularly interacts with people of faith, such as neighbors or family members, and he does not begrudge their faith. He knows life is complicated, and people need everything they can to make it through. Celebrating that we each get to make different choices is liberating after all those years spent living within the strict bounds of Baptist life.

Luke’s story feels unique when he talks of how his Christian college offered him refuge and relief during his early adulthood when he was not ready to emerge as a gay man, knowing it would cost him his life, livelihood, and community. His Bible college, where he could have a girlfriend without engaging in intimacy, gave him space to breathe momentarily and gain some skills before he would have to venture out into the great unknown. 

What would it look like for Luke to support closeted gay men who are biding their time and gaining strength before they make the giant leap away from their faith tradition that requires that they hide parts of themselves? Where are underground systems of support for those within the system provided by those who have survived the leaving and can speak about how good life can be on the other side? Luke is uniquely equipped to offer compassion for those still closeted, knowing that there are seasons where going with the flow is required so that you can build up the strength to swim against the tide. He also knows that closeted young men may not even be able to imagine a life other than what they see on TV or in movies. Luke and his friends could find ways to help build connections that offer hope by living as examples of what is possible when the time comes to move into freedom.

Develop a language of “faith” to share with his mother as an act of love.

When Luke came out to his mother, he was amazed at how well she handled it. He knew it was hard for her, especially as she couldn’t figure out how “hate the sin, love the sinner” could even come close to her deep love and affection for her son. He didn’t want her to struggle by knowing that he no longer believed in the Christian God that occupied the center of her life, so he has never let her know that he’s quit church and given up believing in God. He knew that the word “atheist” would be more than she could handle. Being gay was one thing, but being outside of faith was a whole other thing entirely. 

Knowing that keeping his non-religious life a secret from his mother requires emotional energy, I wonder what it would look like to develop his way of describing his spiritual life in a way that could be common ground with his mother. Is there a kind of “faith” that could be common ground with his mother, even if it looks different than his mother’s faith? Who “God” is for his mother may never be who “God” is for Luke. Yet, at its best, faith is an amalgamation of a lifetime of experiences, feelings, and questions that point us toward the meaning of life, the beauty of the world, and the power of deep relationships. She may have one idea of the future that is different from his own, but they likely can bond over the same hope: of a day when there are no tears, no hatred, only love.

Connecting points to put each story in the context of our current day (resources), scripture (lectionary), wise thinkers (worth reading), and your personal story (reflection questions)