Frances: Step One

Here are some foundational beliefs that Frances had to abide by to survive in her childhood home. You’ll notice that the beliefs have hints of healthy beliefs within them - but the toxic and traumatizing home environment made them unhealthy for Frances and her siblings.

Faithfulness is the one way to achieve peace for the family. 

Frances' mother’s religious conviction was a binding glue that kept the family together, thinking that silence made sure the darkness within the home never reached the light of day. Her mother believed there was one right way to believe in God - to adhere publicly to Catholic rituals and doctrine. Faithfulness offered belonging to God, the Catholic community, and the family. Faithfulness allowed the family to retain good standing, which grew even more important as her father’s public indiscretions meant her mother had to work even harder to distract the public eye with further acts of family piety. 

Frances had no choice but to go along with this one way as a child in a Catholic family and a student in a Catholic school. How could she have even dreamed of a different life when she couldn’t speak to a single soul about the abuse she experienced in the silence? Frances worked to survive in a traumatizing system, which led her to be well-versed in the little lies that held the family together. She was a child learning to live in a world controlled by her parents and observed by her priests.

It’s in public that we work out our salvation.

Perfectly dressed for church, her mother would file the kids out of the house in their best clothes to get to church on time and fill up a pew. Her mother's emphasis on external appearances taught a young Frances that God cared most about what people project to the outside world. To achieve salvation, one must show the church that one is right with God and their neighbors. Maintaining one’s religious reputation requires denying and whitewashing any wrongs or flaws within the family or home.

Internally, Frances' soul and psyche worked overtime to raise red flags within her. Her body and soul cried for help, signaling she couldn’t live forever in this toxic family system. But Frances' very survival demanded that she endure the harmful actions of family members in silence.

Honor your father and mother.

In Frances' world, men were both the ordained leaders of the religious world and the perpetrators of sexual abuse and inappropriate contact. Men’s bad behavior was supposed to be ignored or excused. Addressing the abuse, they warned, would lead to estrangement from the family and condemnation by the church. Frances kept silent for so long because she loved the family.

What control did Frances have as a child in the family’s home once the abuse began? Not only did she have to endure sexual abuse, she lived under her mother’s emotional abuse. Frances' mother parented her children with shame and judgment to keep them within the fold of God’s love. Parenting from fear for their souls, she used shame as a corrective tool she hoped would stop the worst from happening. She perceived that the devil was at work in her family, taunting the children to step outside of “God’s ways,” which would disgrace the child and the family.

Connecting points to put each story in the context of our current day (resources), scripture (lectionary), wise thinkers (worth reading), and your personal story (reflection questions)